Currently Listening Two Rooms: Celebrating the Songs of Elton John & Bernie Taupin By Various Artists Oleta Adams - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me see related

Read These Blogs (or Die an Uninformed and Really Uncool Death)

The BF's blog.  I'm sure he'll update more often (*wink wink*) after he escapes the perspiring grasp of Bikram:
http://myalias.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

This one is pretty much a lesbionic slut.  Read it if you don't mind offending Jesus and your bowels:
http://www.fupafighter.com/

Ever wonder what that sassy lady-thang in the city was thinking as she eyed you on the subway platform.  Read here:
http://www.mymixedcompany.com/wp/

I've been friends with her since I moved to NYC over four years ago, and now she runs a hamster halfway house.  And I'm still friends with her (usually has links to some cool/weird/noteworthy sites):
http://www.livejournal.com/users/nyhamsterhouse/

My mom knows his mom.  Never met MAK, but he makes me laugh from afar (he lives in Queens):
http://www.cowsinthebarn.com/

And that's it.  I'm tired.  Plus the BF is home.  Time to avoid studying some more.  And perhaps eat whatever he leaves of his Zen Palate delivery.  *oink*

Substance
 

According to "The Elemental Balance Test" at http://www.okcupid.com:

Gust ~ 55% Water ~ 70% Wind ~ 55% Earth ~ 59% Fire ~

I want to live where the sky is big Simple and free... Let’s see... your personality reminds me of the... ...cool Sapphire, the non-red corundum, or its little brother, the Blue Topaz. Your colours are azure, indigo, and a bright yellow or gold. Interpretation: Out of the seven chakras, the Throat Chakra, which is associated with the element of wind and represents our desire to learn and communicate, seems to be predominant in you. Though this means you are probably the smartest one among your friends, it may result in feeling stressed or nervous or becoming too much of a perfectionist. You can balance it by wearing a Rose Quartz; its soothing attributes help unwind, enable you to "love thyself", and accept limitations. A Tarot references concerning your predominant element: If you are a young lass or lad and still unmarried your card is the Page of Swords. Young women, especially married ones, identify with the Queen of Swords, also known as the Queen of Spades. If you are a young, unmarried man, you are the Knight of Swords, and married or “mature” males are identified with the King of Sword, commonly known as the King of Spades. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your intelligent man you’ve been looking for.

You scored higher than 42% on water You scored higher than 37% on wind You scored higher than 37% on earth You scored higher than 31% on fire

Okay?  Yes?  No?  What the f#@*?  You probably won't see me wearing a rose quartz any time soon, but who knows...  If Urban Outfitters has a section devoted to chakras and the items are sale-priced...  Personally, I think I look a little lame in all sections.  I mean, I was around 50-60% on all of the elements except wind, and on wind I only got what - a D+? What does that mean?  Doesn't that qualify as the element of dust bunny?  Is this a testament to how boring I am (per my best friends)?

P.S.  And by "The Elemental Balance Test" I mean "I'm not studying like I should be for a pathophysiology exam I have on Monday.  Shoot me now.  Oh wait, I just got an e-mail alert from Britney Spears' Backup Dancers Unlimited..."

P.P.S.  An incomplete list of reasons I'm not studying and wishing for ice cream:  Sodium-potassium pump, hydrophilic/hydrophobic phospholipids, latent, prodromal, acute, silent, exacerbation, remission, chronic, homeostasis, oncogenic mutation, innate immunity, metaplasia, cytokine.

Klonopin Schmlonopin

Why is it that when I sit down to blog I forget my blog topic?

Since I forgot my original topic (which, I think, was really simple/sweet/direct), I'll tell you the story of La Craque-Tete.

La Craque-Tete likes the hospital.  The last time La Craque-Tete used crack cocaine was the day prior to her admission.  Why was she admitted to the hospital?  In her own words:

"The guy driving the ambulette was being nasty to me.  He threw my purse out the window.  So I got out even though he was taking me to dialysis.  Then I went back to my apartment and I had been robbed and I got really upset so I did some crack and then I decided I should come to the hospital since I need dialysis."

So last night La Craque-Tete tries to pull one over on this goody nurse.  I bring La Craque-Tete her 10pm medications - Elavil (an old-school antidepressant) and Renagel (something for people with kidney failure).  She then tells me that she's due for Klonopin, a fairly powerful (and addictive) drug used for chronic pain, anxiety, and much less commonly, for seizure prevention (in the same family as Valium and Xanax).

"Really?" I ask with dubious inflection.  "Why do you take Klonopin?"

La Craque-Tete informs me that she had been on Xanax "for her nerves" but that it had her "all messed up" so the doctor switched her to Klonopin and she got it last night.  I asked her how much she normally takes and she gave a valid answer (ie. she chose a number that might actually be prescribed rather than some outlandish dosage).  Pleased with herself, she demanded that I call the doctor so that she could get her Klonopin.

But La Craque-Tete didn't get far.  Fortunately, we have these amazing doo-dads at work called "computers" that record various things like EVERYTHING.

So I go back to her room to inform her that there's no record of her ever having received a single tablet of Klonopin while on our floor.

"What..." she said with an air of astonishment.  "If I haven't had any Klonopin I could've had a seizure!  I better get some before I have a seizure.  Oh, and I take Seroquel and Elavil.  That's how I go to sleep."

Please re-read that last part.  Let me translate:  "I will abuse any substance I can get my hands on and I would really like it if you would aid me in doing so."

So I told her (verbatim), "Fat chance.  I already gave you the Elavil and you have no orders for Seroquel or Klonopin.  The most you're gonna get from me tonight is some cereal and maybe a graham cracker."

"But I might have a seizure!"

"Then you can tell your doctors in the morning if you had a seizure.  Goodnight."

And this is why I never get anything done at work.  Because La Craque-Tete is always rap-rap-rappin' on the call bell for some more juice from goody nurses like me.

Middle-Aged Horny Cab Driver Seeks Tall 20-Something Nurse for Rush Hour Romp in Back Seat (Very Discrete)

Hi again.

I started class this week and quickly realized that I'll need something to occupy my time rather than study or read.  Hence, my return to blogdom.  And a story I'm sure you'll appreciate.

Lately, I've been running late for work.  Why?  I don't know.  Honey Nut Cheerios transfixes me.  Well, Honey Nut Cheerios, some pretty good (and free) porn sites, and the second season of Popular.  But I digress...

Running late.  I run out to Amsterdam to hail a cab.  No problem.  Hop in.  Give directions to the hospital.  Typical cab ride.

Until...

We near my destination.  He starts to ask questions.  The cordial conversation quickly devolves. 

Driver:  "So you're a doctor?"
Me:  "No, I'm a nurse."
Driver:  "Oh, you're an RN.  What is the starting salary for RNs?"
Me:  "Um, I dunno.  Anywhere from $45,000 to $70,000 depending on where you work."
Driver:  "That's very good money.  I have two nephews who are in school to become RNs."
Me:  "Well, they'll probably get a decent job.  Places are always wanting to hire more male nurses."
Driver:  "Yes, there is a shortage, no?  You are a very good looking RN."
Me:  "...thank you?"  (...as I think, 'Perhaps he means I look well-groomed.  Like, I am very studious and professional in appearance.')
Driver:  "You live on Amsterdam?"
Me:  "Yeah, around there.  But I'm getting ready to move next month."
Driver:  "You live alone?"
Me:  "No, I live with my partner."
Driver:  (as he lasciviously leered at me in the rearview mirror) "Is he as attractive and beautiful as you are or are you the only attractive one?"
Me:  "Yes, he's very attractive."  (Why did I say this?  Because I'm just that dumb.)
Driver:  "I would like to have you."
Me:  "...excuse me?"
Driver:  "I would like to have you if that is okay."
Me:  "  --  "
Driver:  (Stares at me in rearview mirror as the cab pulls up to the hospital.)
Me:  "You'd have to ask my boyfriend.  I don't think he'd like that."

I threw money at him and leapt from the cab.  He continued to stare at me from behind his window while I hastily walk/ran for the safety of the hospital lobby.

I felt thoroughly dirty for about an hour following the grossness.  Then I felt mad at myself for not telling him he was a shit ass bitch face.  Then I was really disappointed...

...because that would've been totally hot if the cab driver had been young and sexy.

To Post or To Eat

Eat.

So I'm leaving tomorrow morning to visit the family back in Ohio.  I'll be able to post more from there... 

I'm going to use this post to remind myself of what I wanted to tell you about:

1) "Push your penis down!"
2) "The hole is on the bottom."
3) "I can see the metal brackets of his hip replacement (Or I'm Touching His Femur)."

Maybe the next post will be titled Things Only Nurses Say.

If I think of anymore I'll be sure to tell you.  I have to get to bed so I can get up early because, of course, I haven't packed for my trip.  I'm so smart like that.

Time to watch an episode of Will & Grace or The Golden Girls.  Then I will design a sofa while dancing to "I Will Survive" like the big nelly nurse I am.

See you in Ohio...